On Being Single versus Being Coupled

In my life, I've been fortunate enough to have enjoyed both long periods of being in an LTR with another man and spending many years as a single man, too.

As a result of both experiences, I often wonder which one I prefer. And, in an attempt to not make you - the reader - suffer an unintentional leaning toward egocentricity and navel-gazing, I plan to, instead, provide a thoughtful, and perhaps, even a meaningful contribution toward your own thoughts on the subject, should you be so inclined to entertain them.

On Being A Couple

Well, I'd actually been partnered earlier and for longer periods of time than I have been single. I often offer the observation that I pursued intimacy sort of backwards, chronologically I mean.

For example, from 21 to 28, I was in a LTR with another man for just about 7 years. Then I spent a year in the closet when I'd returned from NYC to room with my younger brother, (by three years). The details are a bit less cut and dried than that, but this summary is appropriate for this story. So, we'll leave it at that!

Then, during that two-year period of living in the closet with my brother, (eventually coming out to him during that period of time, which went well, BTW, since I can't recall any 'scenes' or unusually awkward moments with my brother immediately afterward or since), I met the man who I would then spend almost 12 years of my life with. And, though we would eventually break up, it is the relationship that exemplified the most wonderfully conventional, traditional and tangible expressions of being a couple.

We eventually bought "the house" together, fixed it up, broke up, reunited, sold "the house" and moved into the South End. And though all those wonderful conventions were mostly comforting and desirable, they eventually became a guise for me to explore my growing and maturing desires to find out who I really was as a grown man. And, for better or for worse, I realized I could not pursue that individual journey within the context of the relationship I found myself increasingly yearning to be free of. Yes. As cliché as it sounds, it really wasn't him - or even 'we' - but, it was me.

So after spending 9 months sleeping atop a sofa bed (since the space wasn't practical enough to actually open the sofa bed each night), I finally found my own fixer-upper in JP. The irony of that time period continues to follow me - though finally much less intensely so - into today.

Specifically, within an eight day period, with my ex- at my side, I found the condo I would eventually buy, then, on my own, met the man that would haunt my waking and dreaming states for much of the next eight years and - with him at my side - put an offer on the same condo.

And, that last man is the one that's touched me more deeply than any before or since. And, though I realized I touched him, too; in retrospect, I know that I never touched him as deeply or completely. And, now, that's okay. Sure, I still get slightly emotional about him, us and the future that I can still see, but will never be; I am now able to look back at it all and be grateful for both what was so wonderful about him and us, and grateful that I can finally see why it wouldn't work.

So, though I love the comfort of looking into another man's eyes and seeing unconditional love, safety, desire and the vulnerability that no one else gets to see, I, too, will never forget the first time you look into those same eyes and suddenly see the wall has gone up, the window into his vulnerability has been shuttered up and never will the two of us share the same deep love, trust and commitment we'd silently agreed to so long ago.

And, I've been on both sides of that. I've been the one to leave and initiate potential pain; and, I've been the one left behind. And, to be completely clinical about it, truthfully, leaving - though almost as painful - is, ultimately, easier than being the one left behind. The one leaving has prepared himself. The one being left behind - regardless of how obvious or inevitable the issues and differences and ultimate separation might be - is never prepared for what is about to happen: the pulling of the window blind, the shutting of the door to a certain part of the other's heart, the loosing of the rope from the mooring of the boat that you now watch slip away with only one person aboard, the other.

And, usually - but, eventually - you become 'friends', if you're really lucky. I've been lucky once, with the first. Or, you may be able to be civil, but always realize there's a river of pain passing between you that even the strained smiles and laughter can never bridge. And, with others - like my last, at least for now - there's the largest and stormiest ocean that may forever separate us. But, I don't regret any of it. I've learned much from them all. And, I can now turn my back on the stormy sea and see off into a bright, sun-filled future filled with family, friends and opportunity.

On Being Single

For me, it took years but, I've finally learned to enjoy being single. The freedom - that once symbolized terror for me - is now something I value immensely.

It's the simple things like being able to leave dishes on the counter overnight or stay up till midnight listening to music alone or being able to spontaneously do most whatever I like whenever I like that I appreciated more than anything else about being single now.

Independence has been the greatest gift that my being single has given to me. I used to despair at being alone. I used to think there was something wrong with that. But, now I embrace it.

And, as a romantic, I get to express that side of me more. I'm a guy who loves flowers. I used to love to give them to the one man I knew - initially - appreciated them (until I sensed he 'expected' them, but didn't appreciate where they were coming from anymore). So, I can now treat myself to them when I wish.

I've learned to sleep alone and take advantage of the entire bed for myself. I can put the bed sheets on that I want and not be criticized because they're bright pink, orange, brown and yellow thin stripes or Ralph Lauren white and sage roses or simple summer, sky blue and lime green pinstripes on a white background. I can layer the cotton blanket, wool blanket and down comforter and settle in on a cold winter's night and not worry about the cold. Or, in summer, I can simply lie in bed with only a top sheet to cover me.

I enjoy the quiet now. I get to listen to my music whenever I want. I can watch the old movies that I like whenever I like.

Being Single or Being Coupled: So, Which Is Better?

Simply put, neither being single or being part of a couple is 'better' than the other. I know that's obvious. But, I too know that there are preferences and desires.

Truth be told, no, I don't want to be single. But, I'd rather be single than be in a relationship I can not be proud of.

So, though I miss waking up and seeing the face of the man I love next to me, I'd much rather wake up alone and know that I have yet another day ahead of me where I might finally meet the man I am supposed to share the rest of this life with or that I will end up returning to my bed alone, but after having lived another wonderful day uncompromisingly and deliberately single.