Better Days
(Words by Carole Bayer Sager, Music by Melissa Manchester)
Well, another day has come.
After all is said and done,
you are here as you were before.
‘Cause it feels as if we’ve been
through it all and back again.
Now I know there’ll be something more.
CHORUS
No more tears left to hide.
We have made it through a long and lonely night.
Better Days on our side.
Oh, it looks as though we’re doing something right.
And, in perfect time we’ll flow.
Sometimes up and down we’ll go,
like the ring in a carousel.
CHORUS
No more tears left to hide.
We have made it through a long and lonely night.
Better Days on our side.
Oh, it looks as though we’re doing something right.
Oh, it looks as though we’re doing something right.
Oo-ooh . . .
No more tears left to hide.
We have made it through a long and lonely night.
Better Days on our side.
Oh, it looks as though we’re doing something right.
Oh, it looks as though we’re doing something right.
No more tears left to hide.
We have made it through a long and lonely night.
Better Days on our side.
Oh, it looks as though we’re doing something right.
Me
Well, I am whole now. At 48 years of age, I’ve finally come of age. Very little can shake me now. Sure. I have my moments, but that’s part of the story. They are just that: moments.
The past three months have been a whirlwind. And, nearing the end of this phase, I see myself coming out whole, unshaken and, hopefully, terminally together. LOL!
I’ll try to spare you the long list of all the wonder I’ve been through these past several months, but I have to share the highlights, since they’re what’s brought me here: a place of peace.
Home
Since it became apparent that I was not going to sell my condo in JP and move on to something bigger and better (whatever that means?!), I decided to refinance into a 30-year fixed mortgage. I also decided to ‘come clean’, grow up, fess up and finally buy out my ex’s portion of my condo in Provincetown.
So, now I’ve near doubled my housing expenses, but I’m wholly responsible for them, too.
Independence has its price, but it is worth every penny.
Work
As we all know – to some extent or another – the current economy and our increasingly and rapidly changing world, continues to confuse, if not confound, most industries today. So, for me, that means – once again – going through another reorganization at work.
In fact, immediately before leaving work to close on my JP refinance, I was handed a 30-day termination notice at work (audible “GASP!” here); however, I was barely moved. I did know that my position was being terminated, and that I would receive a termination letter, and that I had an opportunity to seek other employment with the company, but all that happened after I had put the wheels in motion to refinance my homes in JP and Provincetown.
I put it all in God’s hands. And, He seems to be doing an awesome job. I hope to report soon that I will get the position I’m in the midst of interviewing for now.
Peace and Wellbeing
You see, a year ago I went through another re-org, too. I kept myself ‘busy’ by finally recording my first CD and then partying like there was no tomorrow. I was running scared.
But, sometime this past spring, as it became apparent that work was going to change drastically again, I decided to remain calm. I mean, physically and emotionally, I could not allow myself to come unglued again. So, I decided – this time – to put it all in God’s hands.
Seeing the Light
For months I waited to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I see it now. And, as it turns out, this time it is not the light from an oncoming train, but instead the pure light of love, peace of mind and joy of heart.
Three Scenarios
Pragmatically, I’ve been running three scenarios through my head:
Scenario One: Status Quo, More or Less
I’d find other employment with my company and be able to keep both of homes.
Scenario Two: Change
I’d take my severance, spend two months on the beach, then rent out my place in JP and finally make the move to somewhere warm I increasingly know I have to eventually make.
Scenario Three: Letting Go
I’d default on my loans. I’d declare bankruptcy. And, I’d go into the Witness Protection Program and get a new identity.
And, every time I run these scenarios through my head, I see myself coming out ‘whole’.
It’s a great feeling to know that you will be “OK”, regardless.
To sum it all up, I feel like nothing can harm me know. Of course, or perhaps, that’s delusional, but I firmly believe it’s also a state of mind. It is the definition of wellbeing. It turns out, ‘what’ we believe really does ‘become’ ‘how’ we live. You want to live a peaceful life, be peace filled.
The Love of My Lives
There’s been the CD, the subsequent streaming of “I Will Always Love You” on Allison Hammond’s page WMVY’s website and the recent Bay Windows article about the “When He Kissed Me” reading with the page one reference and page three article with the photo with me in the upper right hand corner. But, there’s been no contact with The Love of My Lives since last November. Then it happened.
Serendipity and Synchronicity
And just as I began to see the stagnation and immobility of all the minor and major life events that had been challenging me and holding me back over these past few months finally begin to move – and all in positive directions – it happened.
It was as if the cosmos was placing a cherry on top of the figurative, whipped cream and strawberry-topped, vanilla sundae that is my life. I was paying attention and I saw him: The Love of My Lives. And, I smiled.
On the day, Wednesday, June 18, of the full moon in Sagittarius – and the day before Mercury would, at last and again, turn direct – I was sitting on one of the benches that line the bank of windows that face Chandler Street at the South End bar, Fritz. And while I soaked up the sun’s rays streaming over the rooftop across the intersection and through the opened windows at Fritz, I saw him walking south on the far side of Berkeley Street toward the heart of the South End. It was unremarkably remarkable. And, I smiled.
And, after he’d passed I sat there waiting for my friend and pondered – just for a brief, sanity-checking moment – whether I should text The Love of My Lives. I smiled and went for it.
Love has been my passer by . . .
Now, The Love of My Lives and I met almost nine years ago now via one of the personals sites. And, one of our first bonding moments was over the folk singer/songwriter Nanci Griffith. So, when I decided to text him, I opened my text message with the first line of the following song lyric that in the words of another songwriter captures most closely how I feel about him. And, since his father’s passing, the reference to “your father’s tie . . . ”, only gains greater poignancy.
Always Will
(Words and Music by Nanci Griffith)
I saw you on the avenue.
You looked so tired and a little blue.
You were in your Sunday best,
your father’s tie upon your chest.
CHORUS
Hey, you always stood me still.
And hey, you Always Will.
In the corridor of one hotel,
we once crossed paths I recall it well.
Voices in an empty hall,
slamming doors and hearts that fall.
CHORUS
Hey, you always stood me still.
And hey, you Always Will.
Always Will
Always Will
Hey . . .
Always Will
Always Will
Hey . . .
Love has been my passer by.
I stood too still to catch your eye.
There out on the avenue – in your father’s tie –
I’ll remember you.
CHORUS
Hey, you always stood me still.
And hey, you Always Will.
Hey, you always stood me still.
And hey, you Always Will.
Hey, you Always Will . . .
So, the text message I draft on my cell phone reads:
“I saw you on the
avenue…” I think that was
you I just saw on
Berkeley. You look well. I
hope you are. I am. Bye.
=:-)
And, I send it having no idea whether he’ll respond or not, or if he does, if it will be positive or not.
Then I few minutes pass and I feel my phone vibrate in my left pants pocket where I had slipped it back after sending the text. I pull it out and open it, wondering whether it’s: A) my friend texting me that he’s on his way or whether it might be B) The Love of My Lives. And, it’s B.
He texts:
Yup street though, not
ave! Glad u r well
And, I respond with:
=:-)
And it’s done. We’re done, for now . . .
And, I smile. And, I gratefully accept it and let it go.
And, I then realize everything is coming together. I’m truly growing up. I’m truly letting go. And, I’m finally not trying to pin things on things to justify my feelings. I’m letting go . . .
The cosmos and my higher power winked at me. They’ve patted me on the back, slapped me on the behind and, once again, have gently pushed me on my way.
I don’t know, perhaps life really doesn’t have any meaning. But, mine does. And, that’s because I choose to believe that life, my life, does have meaning. And, because of that belief I am constantly rewarded and fulfilled.
To the Love of My Lives, again: “Thank you. And ‘I Will Always Love You’”
I Will Always Love You
(Words and Music by Lance Hatch)
Looking at you I see the truth.
I see the truth in all you do.
Looking at you I understand
just what it takes to be your man.
Looking at you I see the truth:
That love is all we need.
Your bright baby blues are laced with gold.
They’re laced with gold is one thing I know.
Your bright baby blues are all I see.
They’re all I need to get me through.
Your bright baby blues that are laced with gold,
they tell me what you need.
CHORUS
And I Will Always Love You.
I’ll do my best to never make you cry.
Yes. I Will Always Love You.
I’ll love you till I die.
(BRIDGE)
When you’re frightened, think of me.
Thinking ‘bout me is all you’ll need.
When you’re lonely, when you’re blue,
thinkin’ about me. That’s what you should do.
When you’re frightened, think of me.
Soon I’ll be by your side.
CHORUS
And I Will Always Love You.
I’ll do my best to never make you cry.
Yes. I Will Always Love You.
I’ll love you till I die.
I’ll love you till I die.
I’ll love you till . . . I die.
And, to you, whoever you are who may be reading this, Godspeed.
I am whole.
