This September my mom turns 70, my dad turns 73 and they'll celebrate their 50th anniversary.I love my parents and I just wanted to publish that fact.
Today I had my annual physical with my PCP. Though I haven't yet had my lab work done, I'm actually in good health. I'm somewhat overweight, but I'm "okay" with that for now. After a hectic, stressful, yet rewarding spring and early summer, I decided to let myself kind of coast for the summer.
Since I injured my shoulder on Friday, May 30, while trying to rectify the failing of the wall behind my new, snazzy wall bed (one should never single-handedly attempt to rip a large piece of furniture attached to the wall off the wall, no matter how compromised it looks), I haven't been able to do any resistance training. And, after an MRI last Tuesday, July 28, I confirmed that I've torn cartilage in my left shoulder. I meet with the Orthopedist tomorrow to figure out what to do next.
Anyway, I've started running again. It's been a rewarding challenge. I weighed in at 201 lbs. today during my annual check-up. My highest weight ever was 204 lbs. A year ago I was around 186 lbs. Whatever?! Right now, I just can't wrap my head around all that's happened and happening these days. And, I can't seem to shut any of it out. So, I'm only dealing with what I can handle at the moment. And, in the order of my many priorities, my weight is out there somewhere, but nowhere near the top. It's frustrating, but something I have to live with for the time being. At least I'm running again!
Also, during my annual physical – as the last portion of it, actually – my PCP asks: "So, do you have any questions about 'safe sex'." and I have an emotional breakdown. I can't even begin to list the litany of woes that spilled out of my mouth, but suffice it to say it had everything and anything to do with self-image, intimacy issues, commitment, unrequited and unresolved past loves, etc., etc., blah, blah, BLAHHH!!!!!
But, as it turns out, according to my truly fabulous and wonderful PCP, this is actually a healthy response to all the stressful issues I've had to deal with over the past several months in particular, but over the past year or so, too, generally.
So, let's get back to my parents.
I went to a family wedding over the weekend. Our presence was a sort of 'command performance.' I was sort of dreading it, but also – strangely, for me – looking forward to it, too. And, we were awesome! It was an 'adults only' attendance, so my nieces and nephews weren't there, but it was wonderful to sit at a table with my mom and dad to my right and my sister, brother-in-law, sister-in-law and brother to my left.
Most wonderful to me is that we actually like one another . . . a lot! And, I'm not sure how many more of these types of appearance we'll all be able to make together. BUT, I do know how f--king grateful I am that we all love one another as much as we do.
My siblings and their spouses, for example, asked me to join them when they got up to dance a few times. It was great! I mean, at the moment, I don't have the flexibility and endurance I had only a year ago, but I could still "cut a rug" with the best of them.
And, of course, I think a huge part of my emotional breakdown with my PCP this morning was around being single and not having that significant other.
Don't get me wrong! I'm not feeling sorry for myself or wallowing in self-pity about my single-dom. In fact, most often these days I'm celebrating it. But, the 'safe sex' question posed by my PCP just ripped me open.
As I told him, I can have sex whenever I want (just about!), but I'm really more interested in exploring physical intimacy with someone. I'm so tired of sex for sex sake. (NOT that I have it very often at all these days. Remember, "fat" is a great defense mechanism!)
So, I'm busy planning and preparing/creating invitations and accompanying music for a DVD dedication presentation of my mom for her 70th birthday. I'm cherishing every old song I listen to that reminds me of mom and studying every old photo of her any my family members that we're reviewing to include in the DVD slide presentation honoring her 70th birthday and her life and her gifts to the world. And, it makes me a bit wistful, but forever grateful.
Once again, I realize I am one of the luckiest people on earth. And, maybe I'll never find "Mr. Right," but I am sure that I have lived my life fully, completely, deliberately, passionately and without regret. It's like I said to my PCP today (who I LOVE, by the way): "Well, at least I know for sure I will NOT be one of those people lying on my deathbed stating: 'If only I . . . '." Nope! Not me.
And, though I – at the relatively young age of 48 – have done EVERYTHING I wanted to do in my life, I have a sneaking suspicion there are still many wonderful adventures lying ahead for me.
So, to Mom and Dad: I love you. I am grateful, honored and privileged to have you as my parents. And, I'm most grateful that you both wanted to have children, wanted to be parents and believed that the world is a worthwhile place to 'be.'
God bless . . .
